Do you think Seasonal Affective Disorder can work in reverse? Because I’m starting to think that maybe it can. Case in points: 1. The days are getting longer, which means there’s more time for me to examine all my decisions by the light of day and worry myself into a tizzy or a panic attack. […]Read More And I Was Doing So Well
My therapist asks me this a lot. Not because she’s a stereotype (she isn’t) or because she likes to ask things ironically (she doesn’t), but because we are both learning that I don’t really let myself feel anything. I’m really great at taking care of other people and looking after their emotional needs, and I’m pretty […]Read More And how does that make you feel, Whitney?
It’s been two months since the Big Breakup Heartbreak and less than twenty-four hours since the Little Heartbreak. This isn’t some sort of “my one true love has been stolen from me forever” heartbreak, because I think you have several true loves in your lifetime: people who teach you things like how to steal diamonds, […]Read More Little Heartbreak
I have officially been single for one month. Though I don’t know what “officially” means, since the relationship never was confirmed on Facebook, so I couldn’t make it officially “over” via Facebook either. . . If a relationship status is never updated, does that mean the relationship wasn’t real? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Kind of. […]Read More Happy Monthaversary to Me!
This is the list of things to do when you find yourself heartbroken, or bored, or depressed, or lonely, or hungry, or slightly (or extremely!) constipated: 1.Write about it. Write in your journal until your wrist hurts and you worry that you’ve developed carpal tunnel or arthritis or gangrene or leprosy. Then crack your wrist […]Read More The To-Do List
Mid-last week, I decided to make a list about all the Great Things About Being Single Again. The number one thing on that list? How much longer a tube of toothpaste will last me. When I discovered that, I laughed for a solid eight minutes. It was one of those side-aching, cheeks-hurting kind of laughs. […]Read More Hello. It’s Me.
It began, as it always does, with Florida–the nation’s phallus. Around 7:30PM on November 8th, I paced around my mom’s kitchen eating ice cream and praying to whichever God likes girls who stress-eat ice cream while pacing around their mother’s kitchens. When Florida went for Trump, I started sobbing. I know that I tend to […]Read More The Downward Spiral
I turned 26 last Friday. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, but Whitney! You don’t act a day over 12! Or look a day over however much younger you would like to look or act! Thanks, reader. That makes me feel really good about myself! I DON’T look a day over fetus. I spent my […]Read More 26 is The New 25
It’s like Asimov’s I, Robot only less fun and the movie adaptation would star Michael Cera in drag as me instead of Will Smith as the lead guy. I’ve been exhausted lately. Not post-blood clots nap time exhausted, but so tired that I actually have to lie down or I will pass out. The fatigue starts behind […]Read More I, Hypochondriac
Since Donald Trump is still in the running–is still considered to be a “viable” candidate–I have decided to take it upon myself to create a weekly segment in which I tear him up like the piece of beef jerky that he is. On this week’s segment of #TrumpedThursdays, we’re going to talk about how dumb […]Read More #TrumpedThursdays