Here are the things I want this year for Christmas, in no particular order:
- A remote control that switches my perseverating into focus on a task that I actually need to get done as opposed to whatever inane thing is occupying my headspace. It’d be really nice if I could, say, revise the pages I want to revise instead of spending three hours thinking about how my life won’t amount to anything.
- A very specific delusion. Sometimes when I’m really sad, I want to text Justin. I want to be able to send him a message and imagine that, somewhere out in the aether, he receives it. Like maybe his phone passed along with him. But I know that’s not true because his phone is in my desk drawer. Besides that, his phone number has probably been re-issued by now, and I don’t want this exchange to happen:
- Dead Brother’s Old Phone Number: Who dis?
Me: It’s Whitney. I’m sorry, this is going to be really awkward.
DBOPN: Whitney? Who? Why?
Me: This was my oldest brother’s phone number. I just wanted to say hi.
DBOPN: Oh, what happened to him?
Me: He dead.
- To be fair, I’ve had an exchange like that with a telemarketer once in the past year and a half. Someone texted me asking for Justin, and this is what happened:
- A better sleep schedule. Yes, I’m responsible for this myself, but, like. It’d be a lot easier if someone could just give it to me.