just another story about white supremacist patriarchy

TW: Suicidal ideation. In mid-January, my mental health took a nose dive, and I wrote about it. I had no energy to do things, and I really wanted to die, but I really didn’t want to hurt my loved ones by dying. Every night was a non-stop inner monologue about how I could make my […]

Bodyodyodyodyodyodyody

There’s something about bleeding out of your butthole that really makes you question your life choices. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. We need to get to the bottom of this and work our way up. (Fair warning, I go absolutely HAM on the poop jokes in this post) Around this time two years ago, […]

This is awkward

Well, well, well. What do we have here? A blog that I started eleven years ago, but couldn’t maintain because of my teaching career and all the trauma I was going through that I just shoved down into a small little box in my brain? You’re looking good for having been neglected at best and […]

Functionally, Consistently Depressed

I used to be super sensitive to medication. When I was on Effexor, I was on the lowest recommended dose, and even then I developed a severe allergy to the drug that almost made me hospitalize myself. Since then, I’ve been on Zoloft. It’s been about ten years now, and I can happily say it […]

Good Riddance, 2018

I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet on the blog this year. At first, I was busy trying to piece my life back together after my father’s suicide, and now I’m just trying to find the pieces of myself after my brother’s suicide. I have no hope of putting them back together. It’s like one of those 1000-piece […]

At A Loss

When I was twelve or thirteen years old, my brothers and I stayed up late watching horror movies in the family room. I don’t remember what movies they were, nor does it matter; what matters is what happened afterwards. I slept on the floor in my parents’ bedroom most nights. For some reason, their room […]

One Year Later

Dear Dad, I call you “Gerald” when I’m angry with you. I call you “Dad” when I think about all the things you did for me. I think about you every day: what you’d think of the news (you’d be incredulous), of technology (slightly offended, probably), of a certain movie (would you hate Marvel films […]

And I Was Doing So Well

Do you think Seasonal Affective Disorder can work in reverse? Because I’m starting to think that maybe it can. Case in points: 1. The days are getting longer, which means there’s more time for me to examine all my decisions by the light of day and worry myself into a tizzy or a panic attack. […]

And how does that make you feel, Whitney?

My therapist asks me this a lot. Not because she’s a stereotype (she isn’t) or because she likes to ask things ironically (she doesn’t), but because we are both learning that I don’t really let myself feel anything. I’m really great at taking care of other people and looking after their emotional needs, and I’m pretty […]

Perspective

Missing out on the job I’ve wanted for five years knocked the air out of my lungs. The Big Breakup Heartbreak pushed me to the ground and rubbed my face in the dirt. It left me feeling disoriented and unsure of myself. The Little Breakup Heartbreak gouged open old wounds and left me scared of […]