The Problem of Urgency: Stories from #AWP15, Part One

A week ago, I was on a panel at the AWP Conference. That panel was Why Did You Write That? The Problem of Urgency and I honestly think the Universe wanted to give me some good writing material to work with, as my whole goddamned weekend was a problem of urgency. Let’s get the easy stuff […]

Once Upon a Time

I have told this story millions of times. I have written in approximately thirty times. I condensed those thirty pages into one piece. And then I edited and revised the shit out of it, because that’s what it takes to be a real writer. (That’s what the professionals tell me, anyway. A lot of the […]

An Open Letter to US Airways

Dear Flight Attendant on flight 2026 from Phoenix to Philadelphia last Friday, February 27th, at 11:50 PM: If you have to open a sentence with, “I’m not a bitch, but…” guess what? You’re a bitch. Also, you’re a flight attendant and you’re working and you probably shouldn’t be using that kind of language. This isn’t […]

Conversations With Anxiety: Fucking Go to Sleep Already, Whitney

The later I stay up, the more time my mind has to be an asshole. Hey, Whitney. You aren’t going to finish your thesis. You won’t have a place to live when you move back. You suck at yoga. Your face is breaking out. You don’t have a job anymore. How does it feel to […]

2014 Wasn’t Shitty: A Year in Review

I’ve learned a lot this year. I’ve also forgotten a lot (like how to properly fold clothes, or get up before 8 in the morning). I thought I’d share that with you on this day of days. 2014 started out with a lot of puke. And the discovery that I was, in fact, allergic to […]

This Is My Brain on Sleep

I don’t do drugs because I’m terrified of the things my brain may come up with under the influence of anything. If I can be afraid of ghost sharks or blueberries without a hint of psychedelics or whatevers, then my brain on acid or ecstasy or hell, marijuana may create some seriously fucked up shit for […]

Daily Conversations With Anxiety: It’s FAAAAAALLLLLLLL

Are there sharks on land? Because I swear to God, the Jaws theme-song has been pounding in my ears for weeks now. Or maybe that’s just my heartbeat. Duh-nuh. Duh-nuh duh-nuh. Duh-nuh duh-nuh duh-nuh duh-nuh DUHNUHNUH. My anxiety level has held steady lately at Code Horror Movie, and my inner voice that says all sorts of […]

I have a theory

about cars. You know, those giant machines of destruction that we pretend are for transportation? Yeah, those. Have you ever noticed how being in a car turns you into an unaccountable rage monster? Like, someone cuts you off in traffic, and you yell terrible things like, “WHAT THE BALL-BURN ARE YOU THINKING YOU SHIT […]

It’s All About Perspective

Third Annual Clottiversary It’s easy to complain about life, because shit can get hard sometimes. It’s like, man, my love life is in shambles because dating mustachioed cyborgs isn’t that rewarding and I owe back taxes for 400 years and I have this wedgie that I cannot pick out for the life of me; literally, […]

If The Plane Goes Down

When I was little, I was so scared of flying that the second I got on the plane, I would curl myself up into a ball in my seat and force myself to fall asleep. My rationalization? It would be better to die sleeping during takeoff than awake. Because, like, if the plane were to […]