2016: We Aren’t Potty Trained

2015 has come and is gone the way of anyone’s intestines after a two-hour long Indian food fest: down the drain, hopefully without the help of a plunger or a plumber. Let me further this metaphor, and I apologize ahead of time if you are currently eating. Let’s imagine that each year represents a pair of underwear…

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Dear Santa

Here is my Christmas list for the year. I know, I know. It’s very late. But you see, the magic of Christmas is that you don’t actually give a fuck what I write, but I can write it anyway and send it out into “the universe” and hopefully “the universe” will be like, “oh-hay, here’s […]

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On the Couch: A Reader’s Series

I’ve decided I need to start sharing with you guys the wonderful things I’m reading. Or the terrible things I’m reading. Thankfully, I haven’t picked up a Anita Blake, Vampire Series book since I was like 15, so hopefully there won’t be many reviews of terrible books. This week’s book, Dear Mister Essay Writer Guy, I […]

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We Need to Talk About Bowling

This is less a story about bowling and more of a story about failure. The kind of failure that happens even when there are a zillion safeguards in place to make sure you can’t fail. When you fail when literally everything is built to make you succeed. It’s these kind of stories that turn boys […]

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My Fitness Tracker is The Devil

Hey, you guys! Quick confession: I’m one of those people who used to have/still struggles with/occasionally kicks the ass of an eating disorder. I used to compulsively weigh myself and take my measurements several times daily. It was like I was looking for proof that the Chipotle burrito I’d annihilated was taking root in my […]

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I need to be fully employed

Please, please hire me. My crazy is getting worse. You know it’s bad when you can recognize that your crazy has reached a new level. I’ve gone from “charmingly quirky” to “super duper neurotic” over the past five months. Know how I know? Today Atreyu and I had a discussion about my new pair of […]

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A Profound, Terrible Thought

I was eating dinner last night, much like I do every night. It was especially delicious, and I was very proud of myself and savoured each bite. Then I looked at the last bite of my meal, and I thought, Well, I’ll be damned if I don’t make the best damn sandwich ever. And then […]

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National Blog Writing Month

This is like a month of panic attacks handed to me on a nice silver platter by an old white (and obviously) British butler whose name is Failure. (Imagine Michael Caine as Alfred perpetually disapproving of everything I do, and you’ll see what’s in my brain.) But, since I’ve had trouble with follow through lately, and […]

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My Worst Fear, Realized (NSFW)

Okay, guys. If you haven’t combed through the shitstorm that is my blog to read all of the dumb things I’ve gotten into over the years, let me sum up: The Shining scared the absolute shit out of me. When I was three, my parents stayed up late watching the film. Being the no-good sneak that […]

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