The To-Do List

This is the list of things to do when you find yourself heartbroken, or bored, or depressed, or lonely, or hungry, or slightly (or extremely!) constipated:

1.Write about it. Write in your journal until your wrist hurts and you worry that you’ve developed carpal tunnel or arthritis or gangrene or leprosy. Then crack your wrist and knuckles and keep writing. It won’t make you feel more than 50% better, but it’s a good way to take up a half-hour or so.

2.Meet as many new people as you can comfortably fill in a day. I don’t care how you do this. Maybe just yell at them across the street. Maybe spin around in a circle in a crowded place a dozen times with your eyes closed and your finger pointing outward and when you open your eyes, go speak with the target. Maybe ask an acquaintance from somewhere to actually hang out. Maybe download an app and talk to everyone on it until there’s literally no one left for you to talk to and you’re proud of yourself for starting so many conversations with strangers. Maybe become a crazy cat lady overnight. Who am I to judge? Cats can be like people. Anti-social people who judge you loudly from a distance. Like the opposite of me. I don’t judge, remember?

You are the actual worst.


3. Take care of everything you’ve ever neglected about your house or your life until you have a panic attack because you’re handling things so well. I know, I know, it’s counterintuitive. But trust me: the panic attack makes the productivity all the sweeter. May I suggest cleaning the house, getting rid of clothes/pictures/trash/that pool float that deflated two years ago, getting your AC repaired, folding your fucking laundry and putting it away, rearranging furniture…? And do this all in one day. Tomorrow you’ll do it again. Just repeat until you’re exhausted and you fall asleep and don’t feel anything.

4. Work out. I know, I know, you do this a lot already. I don’t care. Do it more–or at least do it harder (that’s what she said?). Or try harder. I don’t know, just up the intensity or something.  Do this so you can feel good about yourself and spite the world by being a strong badass warrior with a nice butt. The world will regret crossing you and your butt. Afterwards, eat all of the food. ALL OF IT. Go to your favorite brunch spot with a friend and order the veggie eggs benedict AND the pancakes you love and eat it all in under 15 minutes because you’ve realized that you haven’t been eating enough. That’s probably the best part about being any of those emotions at the top: realizing you aren’t eating enough, and making yourself eat more. Sweet.

5. Deal with the nagging feeling that sits either at the tip of your sternum in the front or at the base of your ribcage in the back. This feeling tells you what you know to be true and will either prove to be correct or prove you to be a fucking idiot. Confront the fact that the times you’ve had this feeling in the past, you were right about whatever it was, and tell yourself not to believe your gut this once. Actively work to undermine your own feelings. I’m sure it’s healthy and normal and absolutely not going to result in disaster. Also, talk to your mom about it and realize that she is always right, even more right than you are, and she doesn’t even get these funny feelings.

6. Consider joining a convent. Drive around the one nearest you and examine its surroundings. Are the grounds well-kept? Does there appear to be a library? How many of the nuns are attractive and under the age of thirty and also happen to be closeted lesbians? Debate whether or not to call it a convent or a nunnery, and secretly pick nunnery because it sounds like a daycare for nuns.

7. If all else fails, which some days will happen, let yourself feel everything until you think you may actually disintegrate and scatter your atoms back into the universe. Do this by watching a movie that makes you cry, or looking at pictures of you when you were young and innocent, or rereading your journal from middle school, or eating all of the ice cream ever created. Or, you know, alternatively, you could just write a goddamned blog.

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