I have a theory

about cars. You know, those giant machines of destruction that we pretend are for transportation? Yeah, those.   Have you ever noticed how being in a car turns you into an unaccountable rage monster? Like, someone cuts you off in traffic, and you yell terrible things like, “WHAT THE BALL-BURN ARE YOU THINKING YOU SHIT […]

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If The Plane Goes Down

When I was little, I was so scared of flying that the second I got on the plane, I would curl myself up into a ball in my seat and force myself to fall asleep. My rationalization? It would be better to die sleeping during takeoff than awake. Because, like, if the plane were to […]

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Get Down with the Sickness

I returned to the state that bore me, and hoped it would welcome me into it’s mountainous bosom. You know what I got instead? A fucking sinus infection. The first sinus infection I ever had was so painful that I literally could not move my face. I’ll state that again, because it’s ridiculous: I could not […]

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Seriously, Brain?

I woke up yesterday drenched in a cold sweat. My fists were clenched into balls and my arms were crossed. I have a lot of nightmares, so I’m used to waking up like that. What I’m not used to is having a really, really dumb nightmare. But, in all honesty, I should probably expect that […]

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