Things No One Tells Anxious People About Owning Their Own Home:
- Buying the home isn’t the expensive part. I mean, yes, it costs a lot of money and the down payment is scary and the mortgage is this looming paper mache monster (made out of bills, obvi) that looks like the sand dune at the beginning of Aladdin when it melts after Aladdin touched the lamp, but the expensive part, the really expensive part, is buying all the shit you need to make your house YOUR HOUSE. Like, not just using empty pizza box stacks as furniture.
Ah, furniture. Why is that a thing? Why does it cost money? Also, does it have to look good? Is it socially acceptable for me to make a circle of tires I found at the dump in my living room and stuff them full of the pillows I already have and say it’s experimental couch seating? Eco-friendly couches? Man, I’m onto something. I should copyright that shit. “Tired? Relax on this couch! (I am a quarter sorry for that pun.)
- There will ALWAYS be something to fix, and that’s going to stress you out because it will cost money and also take time. My vents need to be expanded, or something, and no, that’s not a euphemism. Something is wrong with my air vents and they need to be widened because it’s a fire hazard (okay, THAT is a euphemism). The outlets in my kitchen aren’t safe because of something to do with water and being electrocuted, but what do I know? I’m just a girl with an MFA. I’m not an electrician. Also, my water heater is officially out of warranty so any day now I won’t get hot water and it’ll be cold all the time and OH GOD LIFE IS SO HARD.
- THE BUGS. Oh my god. There are too many bugs everywhere. Isn’t this place supposed to be clean before I move in? My brother is a plant/bug genius (or just a genius in general) and was all, “describe them to me,” and he told me they are GOD DAMN FLEA BEETLES, which, thankfully aren’t fleas but look and jump like them and are gross and EVERYWHERE. So now I have to spray this “eco-friendly” bug stuff everywhere that’s probably going to make Atreyu grow an extra tail and *hopefully* (fingers crossed) get me an extra boob all the while mutating the flea beetles into SUPER flea beetles that have heat vision and just the right amount of hair on their chests.
- The inevitable crazy neighbor. I mean, honestly, everyone has ONE. That one neighbor that intrudes or runs around naked in the middle of the night howling at the moon or tries to break into your place to steal your chocolate chip stash. Dear future Whitney: meet all your potential neighbors before buying a place so you don’t end up next to a lady who gets mad at you for doing what she asks you and then won’t leave you alone and then texts you thinking you’re her son.
Settling into my place has been more like hyperventilating into my place, learning how to adapt to all of the projects I have to do and prioritizing which ones need to be done first (Arranging my bookshelf was the first thing I did. I still haven’t bought a new water heater, though).
Maybe I should think about prioritizing correctly, though. But I still have some art that needs to be hung! I can’t possibly think about getting the living room windows repaired until all my art is hung! DUUUUUUHHHHHHH.