Is Triggers are Wonderful things… Just kidding. Triggers fucking suck.
What is a trigger, you ask? Good question. I didn’t start hearing the term myself until this past fall, and then it made sense. A trigger is a reminder of a troubling event, thus triggering negative emotions. Pretty obvious. I’m surprised I hadn’t heard that term sooner, but we all know that I live under a rock and survive off sass and rollie-pollies.
I had one of those this morning, and I’m using my perspective as best I can so as not to fall into a spiral of chocolate overdosing and binge-Disney Movie watching.
My triggers are usually stupid things: someone I’m not particularly close to touching me on the arm, watching Tiger Woods suck at golf, the board game Scruples. And, apparently, when my dog wets the bed.
Atreyu was drugged out of his mind yesterday because he got his teeth cleaned. He couldn’t walk in a straight line, and his legs would splay out beneath him and he kept falling over everywhere.
As such, he didn’t have the energy to go outside when he needed to go to the bathroom, and he peed in my bed. I woke up to a cool, wet spot, and promptly threw everything in the laundry and let Atreyu, now recovered, outside.
But the last time Atreyu peed the bed? Let’s just say it involved me crying a lot, having panic attacks, and generally being scared of the opposite sex. He did it twice, probably as a warning to me, and I was too wrapped up in the relationship to consider its importance. Of course, hindsight is everything, and there were so many signs that I should’ve bailed when instead I justified being treated like someone’s property.
So I was triggered today, and it sucks, but you know what? Perspective is fucking everything. And I’m staring down the barrel of this gun of memories, of times I wish I had been stronger and had trusted my gut, and instead of ducking away, I’m challenging it. I’m pressing my head up against it and saying, I see you. You’ve already done your worst. You’re just a pea-shooter, anyway. You can’t hurt me. And the trigger is pulled repeatedly, and all I can think about is how much I’ve grown as a person since January and how, if I could go back in time, I would kick some major ass and stand up for myself.
So, what’s the wonderful thing about triggers? Well, besides giving me an excuse to make an exorbitant amount of Disney references, they also give me an opportunity to see how much I’ve grown. And I’ve grown a whole hell of a lot.
Minus my obsession with cartoon musicals, of course.