My Worst Fear, Realized (NSFW)

Okay, guys. If you haven’t combed through the shitstorm that is my blog to read all of the dumb things I’ve gotten into over the years, let me sum up:

The Shining scared the absolute shit out of me. When I was three, my parents stayed up late watching the film. Being the no-good sneak that I was, I slunk (slinked?) down the stairs and slithered across the floor up to the side of the couch, where I watched the movie with what can only be described as aplomb.

I just had to google the definition of that word to see if I used it correctly. And I did, fuckers. I was confident as shit watching that movie.

Until the scene when he goes into the haunted room and makes out with the ghost lady in the bathtub.

Some pictures are NSFW, so… you know, scroll down faster.

At first I was all like, “OOO NAKED LADY THAT ISN’T MY MOM WHAT ARE THOSE ROUND SQUISHY THINGS AND HOW DO I GET THEM.”

And also, who is that interior designer? Because that room is ATROCIOUS–3 year old Whitney

And then I was like, “NOOOO EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IN THE WORLD IS WRONG BECAUSE OF THIS GHOST LADY.”

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SOAK IN THE BATHTUB FOR TOO LONG. YOU AGE AND GET PUS BUBBLES AND SAGGY TITTIES.

 

Oh my god, friends. From that evening forward, I couldn’t be in a bathroom that had a shower-bath like that scene. I had to have a clear shower curtain, and it had to be open. I refused to bathe in my bathroom because it had a shower-tub combo–I only used my parents’ shower. And, god forbid, if one of the THREE lights in my bathroom went out I would avoid it all together until the aforementioned house manager would change the bulb, which sometimes would be months (because who goes into a disgusting girl’s room? no sane person).

As an adult, I’ve compartmentalized that fear. I even have a shower curtain that isn’t see-through, as if I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m not a big scaredy-cat.

I’m not. Shut your mouth.

But anyway, the other day I was showering and I could not see beyond my shower/bath combo because DUH opaque curtain…

AND THEN THE MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTS WENT OUT.

I saw Jesus, or maybe it was Jack Nicholson a la Shining. I almost screamed, but then I realized the ghosts would know for sure that I was behind the curtain (My anxiety voice liked to point out that they would’ve known anyway because the water was running, you fucking idiot) so instead I stayed quiet.

The lights came back on, and I laughed/cried a sigh of relief.

AND THEN THE MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTS WENT OUT. AGAIN.

Friends, I was quite sure I had reached the end of the line. I stood still in the shower and thought, “well, Whit. You’ve had a pretty decent run. You don’t have a job or a bestseller but you’ve gotten an advanced degree and your delts are near Dwight Howard levels, so you can die happy. Even though you’re about to die in the cruellest way possible and your mom will have to identify your remains in the shower and she’ll be like, GOD I FORGOT ABOUT HER GIANT TATTOO and she’ll shake her head and sigh in disapproval and even my dead body will shrug at her and be like, I know right?”

Thankfully, after a few agonizing seconds of picturing all the horrible ways in which I was about to die, the lights came back on. I finished my shower. And I lived.

 

lived people. Nothing like a near-death experience to change your perspective.

I am the QUEEN of these things.

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19 Comments

If it isn’t The Shining, it’s Psycho, the shower scene… Or, ‘IT’s toilet horror. I am especially a huge freak when it comes to basement stairs… I will become an Olympic sprinter before some ghastly asshat grabs me and kills me in the depths of my musty basement/dungeon. I refuse.

Wow…, just wow. Grew up with the same fears. Got over the shower and the basement stairs (only because I live in an apartment now with no basement stairs, if that’s not cheating…), but closing the bathroom mirror still gets me every time. One of these days someone will be reflected standing behind me and I will die on the spot of fright.

RIGHT. Every single time I’m like, Aw fuck, a ghost will be there just waiting for me.

It’s so cruel. Maybe it will be the Ghost of Our Awesome Future and instead of scaring us, it will show us all the happiness and money and ponies and chocolate we will have.

A girl can dream.

Oh gosh, I read the book over a month ago and he references so many of his stories. ( I was also caught off guard by his descriptive account of his accident and extensive rehab afterwards). But anyway, if you search it online, you’ll find several sites that quote his distaste for Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of the book.

What I want to know is how much of the movie did you see? I have adult friends who won’t sit through three hours of Kubrick goodness. Although I tap out during thirty minute TV shows, I have a strange fascination with this movie and will watch it again and again.

I have the same fear with showers! I still have a clear shower curtain though. I can’t stand not being able to see the rest of the bathroom. My cat tends to sit on the edge of the tub outside of the curtain now though. Guard cat.

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