26 is The New 25

I turned 26 last Friday. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, but Whitney! You don’t act a day over 12! Or look a day over however much younger you would like to look or act! Thanks, reader. That makes me feel really good about myself! I DON’T look a day over fetus. I spent my […]

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Since Donald Trump is still in the running–is still considered to be a “viable” candidate–I have decided to take it upon myself to create a weekly segment in which I tear him up like the piece of beef jerky that he is. On this week’s segment of #TrumpedThursdays, we’re going to talk about how dumb […]

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2016: We Aren’t Potty Trained

2015 has come and is gone the way of anyone’s intestines after a two-hour long Indian food fest: down the drain, hopefully without the help of a plunger or a plumber. Let me further this metaphor, and I apologize ahead of time if you are currently eating. Let’s imagine that each year represents a pair of underwear…

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Dear Santa

Here is my Christmas list for the year. I know, I know. It’s very late. But you see, the magic of Christmas is that you don’t actually give a fuck what I write, but I can write it anyway and send it out into “the universe” and hopefully “the universe” will be like, “oh-hay, here’s […]

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A Profound, Terrible Thought

I was eating dinner last night, much like I do every night. It was especially delicious, and I was very proud of myself and savoured each bite. Then I looked at the last bite of my meal, and I thought, Well, I’ll be damned if I don’t make the best damn sandwich ever. And then […]

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My Worst Fear, Realized (NSFW)

Okay, guys. If you haven’t combed through the shitstorm that is my blog to read all of the dumb things I’ve gotten into over the years, let me sum up: The Shining scared the absolute shit out of me. When I was three, my parents stayed up late watching the film. Being the no-good sneak that […]

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Fourth of Ju-Lame

Listen. I’m not about to get all Debbie Downer on you, but I have some problems with the 4th of July. Mainly, it tends to inspire blind patriotism. Lots of shouts of “‘MERICA!” and copious amounts of burnt cow and pig and probably too much booze. Definitely too much booze. I even had a booze or […]

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