At A Loss

When I was twelve or thirteen years old, my brothers and I stayed up late watching horror movies in the family room. I don’t remember what movies they were, nor does it matter; what matters is what happened afterwards. I slept on the floor in my parents’ bedroom most nights. For some reason, their room […]

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One Year Later

Dear Dad, I call you “Gerald” when I’m angry with you. I call you “Dad” when I think about all the things you did for me. I think about you every day: what you’d think of the news (you’d be incredulous), of technology (slightly offended, probably), of a certain movie (would you hate Marvel films […]

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The Downward Spiral

It began, as it always does, with Florida–the nation’s phallus. Around 7:30PM on November 8th, I paced around my mom’s kitchen eating ice cream and praying to whichever God likes girls who stress-eat ice cream while pacing around their mother’s kitchens. When Florida went for Trump, I started sobbing. I know that I tend to […]

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Once Upon a Time

I have told this story millions of times. I have written in approximately thirty times. I condensed those thirty pages into one piece. And then I edited and revised the shit out of it, because that’s what it takes to be a real writer. (That’s what the professionals tell me, anyway. A lot of the […]

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I love you guys. No, really.

We did it. Rather,¬†you did it. I just occasionally typed some things and made myself giggle and hopefully made you giggle, too. And it worked. Because you know what, we just reached 10,000 followers last week. Let me say that again: TEN-THOUSAND MOTHERFUCKING FOLLOWERS THAT ARE SO MUCH MORE AWESOME THAN I WILL EVER BE. […]

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You Asked, and I Answered

Warning: I say swear words a couple of times in this post. Like, actually say them. Because this is a video of me. Thanks all for your questions! It’s a long video, but I hope you stick around until the end. Because I do something spectacularly nerdy for all of you. Also there is a […]

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Two-Year Clottiversary

A lot of my anxiety as a child resulted in me believing I would die in horribly tragic ways. For instance, I was terrified of sleeping under my ceiling fan because I believed that it would crash through my bed, chop me into little pieces, and send my remains and my bed through the floor […]

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