Bromidrosiphobia

The name of this phobia couldn’t be more perfect if it tried. It brings to mind drunken, sweaty frat boys wearing tank-tops and baseball caps, drinking from red solo cups and belching indiscriminately. If that image doesn’t conjure up a sense of fear (or disgust) in your belly, congratulations, you don’t have a soul. Or […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Van Gogh and Gauguin

Van Gogh appears painting furiously as usual. Enter Gauguin. Gauguin: Vincent. Van Gogh ignores him. Gauguin: Vincent! Van Gogh continues, gliding his fingers on the surface of something, even more furiously. Gauguin: VINCENT, DAMNIT LISTEN TO ME! Van Gogh stops. He turns. Van Gogh: What, is that supposed to be funny? Gauguin: No, no–wait, I […]

The OkCupid Diaries, Part One

Misguided Attempts at Internet Humor and Just Plain Creepiness A week ago I was wallowing in insomnia when I decided to take some online personality tests–the perfect way to kill time and braincells while “learning” about myself. I headed over to OkCupid, a free internet “dating” site. Dating is in quotations because I feel that […]

Cleithrophobia: Haikus

The scary thing is, Dipshit HornyMcBoyfriend wasn’t very good Locked in a basement, I started to contemplate cannibalism I lost track of time my Winnie The Pooh sweatshirt started to constrict I wonder if Miss Shitty McShouldn’tWatchKids ever felt regret And people wonder why basements are so scary to little children

Cleithrophobia: Fear of Being Locked/Shut In

This was, perhaps, my only justified phobia. That doesn’t make it any less stupid. Little kids are adventurers, confined to the boundaries that adults or other children (tentatively titled “teenagers,” when “hormonal little pricks” is probably more accurate). We cram ourselves into cupboards or dog kennels, we play hide-n-seek and have such good spots that […]

Poetry Project: Rhonda G. “The Optimist’s Dilemma”

My Aunt Rhonda, of Ohio, sent me her favorite quote: “Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole”–Anon. I purposely made this poem very lighthearted. I felt it was a necessity, given the subject matter. The Optimist’s Dilemma Glazed or no, Risen or cake, […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Casanova

WANT TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE? CLICK HERE-35(Wherever you want me to be, baby) Are you in an abusive relationship? Does your man not understand you? Is the love of your life ignoring you? I can solve all of those problems. Let me rescue you, woo you, charm your pants off (literally), love […]

Arithmophobia: Haikus

Denzel Washington would be proud of my math grades Algebra is hard Exorcising a math demon is much, much harder than it seems AP Calculus makes Training Day look like a tasty piece of cake

Arithmophobia, or, Why Math Sucks (And is Also Awesome)

Math is my nemesis. It is the Luther to my Superman, the Decipticon to my Bumblebee, the Mojo Jojo to my Buttercup. I feel like most writers can empathize with the struggle to control numbers, as we use the right side of our brain to do really complex things like write beautiful sentences, paint-by-numbers, and […]

Pet Peeve Wednesday: Hyphenated-Americans

My father is half black and half Irish. My mom is pretty much 100% English. That makes me half black Irish and half English. But my dad grew up in Cleveland, and my mom grew up in the boondocks of New York on a dairy farm. So, basically, I’m 100% American, but half rural and […]