If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Casanova

WANT TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE? CLICK HERE-35(Wherever you want me to be, baby)

Are you in an abusive relationship? Does your man not understand you? Is the love of your life ignoring you?

I can solve all of those problems. Let me rescue you, woo you, charm your pants off (literally), love you like no one ever will again, and then set you up in a comfortable, successful relationship. I will be the month-long fling that will leave you weak in the knees, but I will also leave you with your dream mate in the wings, waiting to pick up the pieces I leave behind.

Sound like an offer that’s too good to be true? Don’t worry, it isn’t. I do this for a living. In fact, as I have said before, “cultivating whatever gave pleasure to my senses was always the chief business of my life; I never found any occupation more important. Feeling that I was born for the sex opposite of mine, I have always loved it and done all that I could to make myself loved by it.” Making you a conquest is my life goal, satisfying you and then setting you up with your dream man is your part of the bargain. My belt needs more notches, is what I’m saying. But I will make it worth your while.

I will do whatever you want me to, be whoever you want to be. And then I will leave you for my next conquest. I mean sex. I mean whore. I mean woman. I mean lady. I mean, damnit, just call me if you want to get laid.

Portrait of Giacomo Casanova made (about 1750-...

Casanova: the troll of Craigslist personal ads, match.com memberships, and that creepy man in the bar who promises he "can you show you a really good time." Reality show coming this fall on VH1.

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