The OkCupid Diaries, Part One

Misguided Attempts at Internet Humor and Just Plain Creepiness

A week ago I was wallowing in insomnia when I decided to take some online personality tests–the perfect way to kill time and braincells while “learning” about myself. I headed over to OkCupid, a free internet “dating” site. Dating is in quotations because I feel that most people probably use OkCupid to get laid. I’m not judging, just stating a fact.

They have this “What is Your Dating Persona” test, and the results are hilarious. I am apparently the “Nymph”: a deliberate brutal sex master (Sorry, mom), which basically means I’m really picky, which is true. But it sounds terrifying.

Anyway, the website has changed its set up since the last time I took the test–or my insomnia was getting to me–and I joined the website. A few hours later, my profile was complete. I managed to be obnoxious, sarcastic, and completely true to myself. And of course I uploaded pictures. I’m serious about this not-serious dating-website-thing.

Now, don’t misinterpret me. I didn’t join the site to find love or sex. I’m 21 and single, but I don’t troll the internet for potential dates. Although, I do have  romantic notions that someone reading my blog will message me, link me to his/her blog, and then a wonderful literary affair will start, culminating in the emergence of a super-hilarious writing power couple. But that could just be because I’m 21 and stupid.

No, I joined solely to entertain myself with hilarious tests like “Which Breed From LOTR Are You?” (A Dunedaín, hell yes) and “Are You a Good Kisser?” (Unfortunately, it does not ask that you make out with your computer screen. I think it should ask that). And then I realized I joined for the stories. And then the friendships. When I was 16, I joined the site and found someone who is still one of my best friends. Yesterday was his 65th birthday and he celebrated it in prison, awaiting his release for soliciting a minor (Just kidding about all of those things).

After putting a disclaimer on my profile warning potential creepers that I may use their creepiness for stories, I waited. In the first 18 hours of having a profile, the longest I went without a message from someone was two hours. The bait was set and the sharks were biting.

In the first week of my OkCupid existence, I believe I made some new friends. I also believe that, for the most part, my disclaimer kept the creepers away.

But not all of them.

Creeper #1: Lord of the Rings Fail

I am an avid Lord of the Rings fan. I own the 50th anniversary edition of the books, I read them twice a year (And cry when I finish… That’s what she said), watch the extended editions twice a year, I dressed up as Samwise for Halloween when I was a sophomore in college, I can play Return of the King on the piano–hell, I even have a very large Lord of the Rings tattoo. Suffice to say, I love all things Tolkien. And when I find another lover of Middle Earth, we almost always hit it off. Almost.

This message began promisingly enough (All messages received are in white, all messages I sent back are in grey):

My response was my best internet-Gollum impression, and I think I nailed it on the head. What follows is the rest of our conversation, which will inevitably result 3 more years of therapy for me.

I can’t even. There are no words. In what universe is that funny and not just completely disgusting? Although, in my little perverted brain I thought, “ha, ha, ‘Bobbit’ rhymes with ‘hobbit.'” But seriously. This is not a conversation you have when you’re trying to win someone over. If I was at a speed-dating event (which sounds like a hilariously depressing time) and someone opened with that, I’d probably throw water in their face. If you’re trying to be my friend or put the moves on me, don’t bastardize LOTR in any way.

Creeper #2: Stupid

I am pretty sure this message is a proposition for sex. But I can’t be sure, because he wasn’t specific. Instead, he was so general that I could only respond the most obnoxious way possible, because anyone who is that general deserves to be figuratively punched with a fist made out of sarcastic words.

Creeper #3: Humor Falls Flaccid

This guy I feel kind of bad for. I mean, I have the sense of humor of a 12 year-old boy. Penis jokes make me laugh. So do fart jokes. I can’t help it, it’s an involuntary reaction, much like an erection or a lady-like toot. I signed on to find this in my inbox:

That’s the entirety of the message. No introduction. No set-up. No punchline.

I mean, come on. That’s not even slightly funny. Maybe if there were some kind of story behind it or a humorous rhyming poem where that is the last line it wouldn’t be so terrifying. And I’m a visual thinker, too, so now I’m having nightmares about penis farts (And now, so are you. Sorry again, mom). How could that message have possibly been a good idea? Did he think I would read it and respond, “OH MY GOD HAHAHAHAHA YOU ARE LIEK SO FUNNY LET’S HAVE ALL THE BABIES”? Because the only logical, possible reaction to that was a cringe. And a face-palm.

Stay tuned for my OkCupid updates. Hopefully there will be more (hilarious) messages to share with you.

I leave you with this, to erase the “penis farts” (Sorry) image from your head (Sorry).