New Year’s Resolutions: Haikus

I threw my back out day two of twenty-thirteen: ahead of schedule I promised myself I’d stop eating my feelings– but I’m just so sad Dear Ms. Emma Stone, email me A-S-A-P so we can be friends Dear JaVale McGee I would like to talk to you re: our best friendship

Doomsday Phobia: Haikus

It’s December two-two And here I am, still breathing Can you say buzzkill? LA got it wrong The world ended years ago with new Die Hard films Those silly Mayans All that crazy sacrifice And nothing happened The politicians hoped to die and thus avoid the fiscal cliff talks

Movement Poem–For Kelly

Finally! Time to type it up! Poetry project submissions are now open again! “Movement” It all happens in a moment: The twirl of leaves, of fingers, of teeth on the eve of breathing. Footsteps sound solid–vent- ing the tick-tock tales of time. We are all even with the ground–suspended slightly, arrows that move an inch […]

Travel Tip #1: Haikus

Batman fights crime and I fight bad attitudes and together we win Delta Airlines is limbo for world travelers and eats people’s souls Delta Airlines should be called Delta Disasters: Fuck Your Travel Plans gingerbread cookies can only soothe a troubled mind to an extent AND COMING SOON: Travel Diaries #2: Amsterdamnit, part one! […]

Poetry Project Saturday: Uncle Doug’s “Blues”

I’m sorry that this is so terribly out of order, I have gotten very mixed up in the move, and this is the poem I found fastest. Still a work in progress, for my Uncle Doug. His word was “Blues” (Hence the title of this post). Blues My fathers father and his father found freedom […]

The Big College Send-Off: Haikus (And Another Frat Digression)

Batman Underwear couldn’t make the fountain run any less lonely The Fratties came out to play in the fountains and give people herpes The Finger Fountain sums up my feelings about fraternity boys. The fountains were cleaned the sorostitutes came out of hiding to play All I wanted from my school was a memory that […]

Bromidrosiphobia: Haikus

Went to college, learned “Bromidrosiphobia” is the fear of frats. Body odor is the only excuse for guys to dress like douchebags Pit stains are the root of all evil the world look at uniforms Birth control is great for making you pretty and for making you dead

Cleithrophobia: Haikus

The scary thing is, Dipshit HornyMcBoyfriend wasn’t very good Locked in a basement, I started to contemplate cannibalism I lost track of time my Winnie The Pooh sweatshirt started to constrict I wonder if Miss Shitty McShouldn’tWatchKids ever felt regret And people wonder why basements are so scary to little children

Poetry Project: Rhonda G. “The Optimist’s Dilemma”

My Aunt Rhonda, of Ohio, sent me her favorite quote: “Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole”–Anon. I purposely made this poem very lighthearted. I felt it was a necessity, given the subject matter. The Optimist’s Dilemma Glazed or no, Risen or cake, […]

Arithmophobia: Haikus

Denzel Washington would be proud of my math grades Algebra is hard Exorcising a math demon is much, much harder than it seems AP Calculus makes Training Day look like a tasty piece of cake