If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Richard Pryor

Ah, If Historical Figures Were Alive Today. How I’ve missed you. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a psychic medium able to communicate with the dead. that’s approximately 90% bullshit and 10% truth. The 10% comes from all the times I played the Ace Game or with the Ouiji board in middle school. […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Harriet Tubman

You guys still don’t have high speed rails? Not all of Europe had abolished slavery until way after you (Not abolished in the Ottoman Empire until 1890, since probably none of you know your history) and their train system is the shit. Pick up your game. Seriously. You have a black president now. I would […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: The “Unsinkable” Molly Brown

Molly Brown: You mean to tell me if I had just waited 100 years, there wouldn’t have BEEN an iceberg to crash into on the trip over? And Kathy Bates played me? Really? Man, you guys suck.

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Plato

Plato: Hey, United States… … Wait… you have a Democratic Republic? Never mind. You’re doing it right. Though, to be fair, you all are still far too concerned with your lust of goods and not of knowledge; you still fight wars you don’t know how to win that are pointless anyway; you keep electing exceedingly […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Van Gogh and Gauguin

Van Gogh appears painting furiously as usual. Enter Gauguin. Gauguin: Vincent. Van Gogh ignores him. Gauguin: Vincent! Van Gogh continues, gliding his fingers on the surface of something, even more furiously. Gauguin: VINCENT, DAMNIT LISTEN TO ME! Van Gogh stops. He turns. Van Gogh: What, is that supposed to be funny? Gauguin: No, no–wait, I […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Casanova

WANT TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE? CLICK HERE-35(Wherever you want me to be, baby) Are you in an abusive relationship? Does your man not understand you? Is the love of your life ignoring you? I can solve all of those problems. Let me rescue you, woo you, charm your pants off (literally), love […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Week 5

Marie Antoinette: Wow, the 99% sure have gotten a lot less feisty. Someone let them eat cake, didn’t they? Smart move, politicians, smart move. Note: According to wikipedia (which, let’s be honest, isn’t the most reliable of sources), Marie Antoinette was actually very charitable and never used the phrase “let them eat cake.” But for […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today, Week 3

Jesus Christ: Oy vey. You fight wars in my name, put words in my mouth, and hypothesize on things I would or would not do. BITCH, YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE…. What you do know was documented by people who knew me. Not by myself. That’s like trusting Gossip Girl for your information about Serena. […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Week 2

Joan of Arc: I’m a Roman Catholic Saint? Patron Saint of France? Paved the way for Henry VII’s Coronation? Considered one of the most prolific military leaders? Burned at the stake at 19? Sweet. I’m also a lesbian.

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today, week 1

George Washington: Kill me now. Thomas Jefferson: Kill me now. John Adams: Kill me now. John Hancock: Kill me now. James Madison: Kill me now. Benjamin Franklin: LAAASSSS VEGAAAASSSSSSSSSS!!