Hold On a Second, My Allergies are Acting Up

Guys, I’m about to lay a sloppy truth kiss all over your faces. There will be tongue involved, and it will be wet:

Are you ready?

 

Are you sure you’re ready?

 

Okay, but this is your last chance to get out before things get real.

 

 

 

Life can be hard.

 

Pick your jaw up off the floor.

Now wipe my lip gloss off your face while I explain something about anxiety to you.

 

Anxiety is a bit like allergies. New fears come and go with tree pollen (sometimes you’re afraid of tree pollen) or the barometric pressure level, or because our bodies hate us and are programmed to get allergies literally whenever they feel like. What I’m saying is, you go to bed one day not being afraid of something, and wake up the next day scared out of your wits by toothpaste.

MINTY SLUGS OF DEATH

I’m not actually afraid of toothpaste. Thankfully.

Though I did wake up a few weeks ago with a new fear waiting in the wings, much like Mckayla Maroney at the Olympics. (I just made a fitting cultural reference, right guys? Because the Olympics start today? That works, right?)

No, Whitney. Just… .No. (This meme hasn’t been relevant in two years. Good job.)

I found myself in a situation I normally love: attending a concert in the front three rows. And as I was rocking out to the musical stylings of a friend-of-a-friend, I suddenly knew I had to leave right at that moment or I was going to freak out. And I couldn’t leave, because this guy was in the middle of his set, and he was rocking itAlso, I was sitting in the second row behind some people, and I didn’t have easy access to the aisle. So I sat there and tried to meditate.

You’re safe, I told myself. His music is awesome. Why are you being an insane person right now?

And then my Anxiety Voice kicked in:
Because what if there’s a fire? What if the person behind you is secretly a 200 year-old vampire assassin sent to kill you because you’re annoying? What if this music venue is about to be attacked by cannibals? WHAT IF YOU REALLY HAVE TO PEE?

And the second it was intermission, I stood up, climbed over the seat in front of me, ran down the hall, ran outside, sat down, and started sobbing. It was all quite melodramatic and, in retrospect, I wish it had been filmed. With some Death Cab for Cutie playing in the background. Replayed in slow-motion with soft blue lighting, and Ryan Gosling chasing after me to ask what’s wrong and give me a Great Dane puppy named Francis. (In reality, it was my friend Emily, and I’m very grateful that she did check on me.)

The lesson I learned from this whole experience, besides the fact that life is hard, is that I can still manage to laugh at myself even–and especially–when I’m at my most vulnerable.

Because that’s when I’m the most hilarious, and if I lose my ability to do that, they’ve won.*

 

 

*I don’t know who this “they” is that would win. But I don’t like them.

22 Comments

If I have nightmares of minty slugs of death tonight, I am blogging about it and blaming/tagging you.

The anxiety/allergy comparison is perfect. I need to remember that the next time someone doesn’t “get it”.

Puppies are quite a bit of work you know. Then those Danes…they really poop big time when they’re grown, so there’s that to consider. Thanks for the wet smooch! I didn’t hate it.

I use to suddenly get panicky (is that what you were even?) when I was in a restaurant or a mall. It didn’t even have to be crowded. I’d just start to feel all claustrophobic and have to go out to the car while my wife finished her dinner or whatever (in peace because it was before we had kids). I don’t think she hated that.

I grew up with six dogs, and have had two great danes (from puppy to adulthood). I LOVE them. Their poops may be bigger than they are, but they are also the cuddliest beasts on the planet. Besides my current dog.

You’re welcome for the smooch.

And I was indeed panicky. And maybe you were just panicky because malls suck?

“I wish it had been filmed. With some Death Cab for Cutie playing in the background. Replayed in slow-motion with soft blue lighting, and Ryan Gosling chasing after me to ask what’s wrong and give me a Great Dane puppy named Francis.” — made me laugh out loud. Such an oddly specific, random, yet great image hahaha.

hahah your head sounds almost like mine. i have never gone to a concert. i refuse, no matter who it is. The fact that most concerts are not my type of music anyway, has stopped me from actually making a decision to go or not to go. My point is that though i dont suffer from anxiety or claustrophobia, i do not like crowds and i dont like strangers. That enough reason not to go to a concert

even at the movies.. i like to book the odd seat. like if there are 3 seats left in a row in the corner, i will book the second last row, because i know no one with choose the very last seat to go sit in the corner if they’re more than one person. so i book the second last seat and i actually sit in the last seat knowing that both seats essentially belong to me.

im all about my personal space

Anxiety slays me! Have you tried SuperBetter.com? It’s surprisingly helpful. And if it doesn’t work, maybe get your friend a Ryan Gosling mask, and you can buy yourself one of those “personal soundtrack” shirts. 🙂 I’m sorry for your anxiety, but I’m grateful that you can find the humor in it and that you decide to share it with us! xo!

Great post! I can’t tell you how much slugs gross me out – brushing my teeth will never be the same…thank you (I think 😉 love your humor/sarcasm. Look forward to exploring your blog. Be well. ~Karen~

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