Open letter to the men of OkCupid:
Dear Sirs,
Please note that the reason I keep my OkCupid account around is because I find it incredibly entertaining. You have shown to me that your inability to read is only exceeded by your desire to stick your thing into my thing. On my profile, I specifically state that I like people who are articulate, that I don’t want you to say something you’d say to me at a bar, and I ONLY WANT FRIENDS.
So, please, do yourselves a favor and stop messaging me things like, “heyyy.” I don’t know why it always has to be three Y’s. Why can’t it be four? Why can’t it be one, with a sentence following it, something that isn’t “how are u?”? Why can’t it be like, “heyyy, I would really love to grab some coffee and discuss the mythology of Lord of the Rings with you while simultaneously bashing Peter Jackson’s disastrous adaptation of The Hobbit” ? Why can’t you message me something like, “HURRY DEAR GOD THE T-REX IS DESTROYING MY BEGONIAS AND I NEED YOUR HELP!” instead of, “heyy, I found ur profile really interesting if u want 2 get to kno me message me bak ur really sexy” ?
I challenge you, men of OkCupid, to read through the profiles of the women you want to put your thing into. I challenge you to start a conversation with something that isn’t perverted, asinine, or mind-blowingly boring. In return, I will stop ignoring your messages and being snarky when I get something like this:
But really, what do you expect?
Yours Never,
Whit
PS–Never change, OkCupid.
Highest Form of Whit 
Oh, hear bloody hear! Jolly well said! I get the blight(ers) too, with their badly spelt search words and nauseating suggestions. Frankly, my dear, I wouldn’t go near any of them, not even fully clad in a wet-suit and aqualung…
This comment wins the internet. I can’t even handle this; it’s too amazing.
Do you actually have a plan for Begonia-wreaking T-Rex’s or was that arbitrary? Asking for a friend in need… Please hurry! 😉
I have a plan for EVERY type of domestic T-Rex disturbance. You best believe it.
LOL!
This is why I will never try online dating ever again. Even the amusement goes away after a while.
I’ve actually met some of my best friends via OkCupid. So amidst all of the complete bozos, there are decent people.
This is so painfully true. You really can’t (a) think of something more original than “hey” and (b) think that anything you’re saying would be attractive to ANY women?
I hope you have more Men of OkCupid posts up your sleeve!
I will have to make The Men of OkCupid a regular thing, won’t I?! You’re brilliant.
Also, if they opened with some sort of witty comment or desperate need for help with T-Rex problems, I would know instantly that I would have at least a friend. “Heyyy” isn’t endearing at all, sorry.
Please do! I’ve heard of people who hide things in their profile so they can quickly get rid of the creeps. Examples: Include pink kangaroos in your message if you’re serious about getting to know me.
It’s neither endearing nor creative. If you’re going to be creepy, please at least be creative about that!
Hilarious.
Thankee kindly!
There is, apparently, a whole science to the number of y’s in “hey”:
http://gizmodo.com/5828835/if-someone-texts-you-heyyyy-they-want-sex
I wish I could leave a longer comment, but I need to go deal with this Tyrannosaurus situation.
That is kind of amazing.
If you need help with your dinosaur situation, let me know. I’m the T-Rex Whisperer. You actually have to yell, but still. They get me. I get them. It works.
OkCupid is interesting. I, especially love the women who don’t respond when there seems to be good compatibility. “99%…sorry…not good enough. I need at least a 130% compatibility in order to respond to your message.”
See, I’m more of a “if I don’t find your profile interesting and your message to me isn’t interesting, even if we have a high compatibility rate, no thanks.”
I want someone to intrigue me or entertain me. Is that too much to ask for?
My profile was very interesting! In fact, women were liking my profile left and right. But when I’d message certain women, they won’t even respond back. lol
The serious (ones really looking for love) are never really on the dating sites. Or maybve they are but only the dimwitted versions of them. My profile on one dating site specifcally says not to initiate contact if you’re just going to ask for my number or bb pin. And guess how many messages start off with: Hey baby contact me on so and so, then we can get to know each other
I’ve found really wonderful people on OkCupid before–both for dating and otherwise. I just don’t think they read the profile. I think they see the pictures, decide someone is hot, and then message them. And that’s the problem!
you hit the nail on the head! lol i do the same though.. but i do read the profile and check what it has to say, especially look at someone’s ‘writing voice’
Oh Whit, your response is perfect to the bra size guy. I hope you meet some intelligent life soon.
But where’s the fun in that?! Hahaha
Nominated you for a tongue-in-cheek award. Enjoy!
http://alienorajt.wordpress.com/2014/03/01/the-damp-laundry-award-drum-roll-please/
Alienora
Thank you so much, friend!!
I had a brief flingette with OK Cupid last year. One of the saddest yet also encouraging realities I discovered were the surprising number of times someone who was no longer active on the site, or who hadn’t bothered to check it n a while ‘cuz they had since entered into a relationship, would send me profuse messages of thanks because I bothered to read through their profile and respond with follow-up questions/invitations to a conversation/comments that specifically reflected on them. I simultaneously weep for the future and am comforted by the knowledge that there remains a niche in future inter/intragender relations for those of us who realize the ear is a handly lil’ appendage.
Also, hope my accosting of you in the parking garage a few weeks back wasn’t too WTF. But how often does one come across the opportunity to greet someone they know but don’t know, who doesn’t know them? Try it one day. You’ll like it.
This, all of this is amazing.
Also, don’t apologize. I felt like a celebrity hahaha
Lmao!!
This is hilarious and so true!
Ever tried Omegle? I advise you don’t. you’ll never find a friend on there unless it’s the sexual kind.
Why isn’t there a website just to make friends? Why does everyone assume we all want to date? Single life is fun. Well I say that but mine is nonexistent so yeah.
Well, there is meetup.com, which is a great place to find friends!
Lmao! This is so true and funny!
Ever tried omegle? Don’t. You won’t find any friends. Unless it’s the sexual kind.
Why isn’t there a site to just make friends? Why does the internet assume we want to date and have sex all the time? I mean single life is fun. I guess. I can’t say for sure since mine is extinct now but yeah.
To be fair I have read many profiles on okcupid by women who just want to get a filled pussy, infact it seems that 99% of people on these sites are just looking for a quick score and this could be the reason why sexual transmitted diseases are back on the rise. I would say stay away from these dens and meet someone in the real world where you can actually foster a relationship. The computer age has brought many great things but many more bad things. It’s not just men its everyone.
Well, of course there are women who do that, but I have only encountered like…2.
And it’s not like I don’t meet people in the real world… Oh wait, it’s exactly like that. There are 50 people in the town where I live and I know all of them.
I wasn’t saying it to knock those who use it just to warn both men and women of the dangers of on-line dating.
I wonder if those kinds of comments ever work out for them. It would be a lovely story to tell at their wedding “Well he messaged me and said he could gues my bra size…it was love at first text”….
That would be kind of like if someone honked at me on the street, and then we got married! I wonder if that’s ever successful, either. Hopefully not.
This was literally one of the most hilarious things I have ever read. Thank you for this.
You’re quite welcome.
Now that you’ve trashed all my best pick-up lines, I’m going to have to start over from scratch…and maybe buy some begonias.
Let’s go begonia and t-rex shopping.
Hilarious. Loved the observation of all those ‘y’s. Really. What’s up with that?
Guys are silly. That’s what’s up! And thank you, friend!
This is so hilarious and 100% true. I have an okcupid profile for awhile and the only reason I kept it as long as I did was for the entertainment. I can’t even believe some of the messages I got and the worst part was I am pretty sure they were completely serious. I once had a significantly older gentleman ask if I would like to join his family as a sister wife….. Also, the mirror pics of the guy holding up their shirts?? Just no
This is the greatest thing ever.
The one good thing about being a man and expirementing on sites like okcupid is that I have the ability to pick and choose who I message or contact, and how. This saves me from sifting through creepy, sleezy, pathetic, boring, what have you people. This fact ALMOST makes up for the fact that I am forced to prove to a girl I am not just ‘into watching netflix’ no matter how ‘chill’ it is. Anyway, great post and great blog! You have enlisted another follower. (thats what its all about, right?)
Hey, thanks, friend!
And that’s the great thing about online dating. You get a bigger pool to choose from.
I don’t think men and women really can be friends. In fact, I have a post to prove it!
What about gay men and straight women? Or gay men and lesbian women? or lesbian women and straight men?
Lol, I’m glad I found your blog today. I never tried OkCupid, but I have tried some other sites. I know exactly what you mean.
Thank you, friend! And yeah. When did the internet become a license to act stupid? Oh yeah. Since the beginning.
Lol, so true.
Quite possibly the best response to an online dater ever! I’m laughing so hard right now.
This was funny. Peter Jackson never wanted to make the Hobbit films once Guillermo del Toro ( I copied and pasted that name dont judge) dropped out he had to take over. Unlike the Lord of the Rings trilogy which his heart was never in the Hobbit was rushed because of a lack of giving any fucks.
The Hobbit makes me sad because of all of the fucking CGI they use. LOTR was perfect because there was so little CGI. The Hobbit uses it in EVERY. GORRAM. SHOT.
Me too miss me fucking too