Costarring: The Universe

The universe has not been subtle with me for the past several months.

It started with Costar. If you aren’t familiar with the Costar app (whatever, normie), it’s an absolutely unhinged astrology app that uses an algorithm to write your horoscopes. Half the time the horoscopes don’t even make sense. It’s perfect, and I love it.

In December, I was mid-identity crisis. I burnt out from teaching again and knew I needed to pivot, but I had no idea how or in what direction. I couldn’t decide between graduate school to become a therapist or graduate school to become a librarian. Both felt like logical next steps. But which step was most logical? Which step would light me up? Which step would help me be a part of the world again? I had no idea. I talked about this nearly nonstop in therapy, but I could not make a decision. I was stuck.

And then, over the course of the next few weeks, Costar decided to come for my throat. It started off gently enough:

December 9th:

December 14th:

Then it escalated a bit (January 6th):

January 9th:

Then, I made a decision: I’m going to become a librarian. I made a list of graduate schools, and then thought about applying for jobs. But mostly, I talked to people about it. I spent a weekend with some of my oldest friends and laid out my idea. Then my friend Melissa did a tarot reading, and the results made me cry. They were, simply: make a decision; it’s time.

I told her Costar had been telling me the same thing, and then I opened my phone to this:

That weekend was lovely and weird–it was like stepping into a time capsule. I’ve known these folks for twenty years, but the last time I had seen most of them was a decade ago. 2016 Whitney and 2026 Whitney are two very different Whitneys. 2016 Whitney had fewer tattoos and a lot more hope. 2026 Whitney has a fatter ass and 8 months of weekly EMDR sessions to tackle her CPTSD under her belt. But mostly a fatter ass.

And my friends? So many of them have built such beautiful lives over the past decade. So many marriages and babies and businesses and milestones. Hell, one of them even won Survivor. And there I was, still clearing out the debris from the most recent collapse of my life. I felt a fair amount of grief and jealousy that weekend. Grief for the version of myself that I lost, and jealousy for all the things I thought I’d have at 35 but still don’t.

And then, the next morning, I woke up to this:

At that point, I should’ve just thrown my phone into the ocean. But I didn’t. Instead, I started working on my résumé. I figured, okay, grad school applications don’t open until June and I should probably find out if I even like working in a library.

I set an alert for library jobs on Indeed and waited. I applied to a couple of positions and didn’t hear back, but that made sense. The job market is brutal right now and I don’t actually have any librarian qualifications. I haven’t even worked customer service since I was 22 and bartending in the suites at Mile High Stadium–so I didn’t think I’d be a great candidate (there’s that confidence thing again, lol).

After about six weeks of looking and five applications, I got an interview to be the librarian at a high school near me.

I interviewed at 8:30am and was offered the job at 4:30pm.

Unfuckingbelievable, Costar.

Stay tuned for next time when I write about the other ways in which the universe is bullying me into leaving my house and being a part of the world.