Hiatus (Parts One and Two)

Dearest thousand+ readers (!!), I want to thank you so much for reading this blog. It is over. Just kidding. I scared you for a second there, didn’t I? No, the blog is not nearly over. I’m just getting started. What is happening, however, is that I’m moving. From California to Colorado. I’m leaving in […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Plato

Plato: Hey, United States… … Wait… you have a Democratic Republic? Never mind. You’re doing it right. Though, to be fair, you all are still far too concerned with your lust of goods and not of knowledge; you still fight wars you don’t know how to win that are pointless anyway; you keep electing exceedingly […]

Bromidrosiphobia: Haikus

Went to college, learned “Bromidrosiphobia” is the fear of frats. Body odor is the only excuse for guys to dress like douchebags Pit stains are the root of all evil the world look at uniforms Birth control is great for making you pretty and for making you dead

Bromidrosiphobia

The name of this phobia couldn’t be more perfect if it tried. It brings to mind drunken, sweaty frat boys wearing tank-tops and baseball caps, drinking from red solo cups and belching indiscriminately. If that image doesn’t conjure up a sense of fear (or disgust) in your belly, congratulations, you don’t have a soul. Or […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Van Gogh and Gauguin

Van Gogh appears painting furiously as usual. Enter Gauguin. Gauguin: Vincent. Van Gogh ignores him. Gauguin: Vincent! Van Gogh continues, gliding his fingers on the surface of something, even more furiously. Gauguin: VINCENT, DAMNIT LISTEN TO ME! Van Gogh stops. He turns. Van Gogh: What, is that supposed to be funny? Gauguin: No, no–wait, I […]

The OkCupid Diaries, Part One

Misguided Attempts at Internet Humor and Just Plain Creepiness A week ago I was wallowing in insomnia when I decided to take some online personality tests–the perfect way to kill time and braincells while “learning” about myself. I headed over to OkCupid, a free internet “dating” site. Dating is in quotations because I feel that […]

Cleithrophobia: Haikus

The scary thing is, Dipshit HornyMcBoyfriend wasn’t very good Locked in a basement, I started to contemplate cannibalism I lost track of time my Winnie The Pooh sweatshirt started to constrict I wonder if Miss Shitty McShouldn’tWatchKids ever felt regret And people wonder why basements are so scary to little children

Cleithrophobia: Fear of Being Locked/Shut In

This was, perhaps, my only justified phobia. That doesn’t make it any less stupid. Little kids are adventurers, confined to the boundaries that adults or other children (tentatively titled “teenagers,” when “hormonal little pricks” is probably more accurate). We cram ourselves into cupboards or dog kennels, we play hide-n-seek and have such good spots that […]

Poetry Project: Rhonda G. “The Optimist’s Dilemma”

My Aunt Rhonda, of Ohio, sent me her favorite quote: “Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole”–Anon. I purposely made this poem very lighthearted. I felt it was a necessity, given the subject matter. The Optimist’s Dilemma Glazed or no, Risen or cake, […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Casanova

WANT TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE? CLICK HERE-35(Wherever you want me to be, baby) Are you in an abusive relationship? Does your man not understand you? Is the love of your life ignoring you? I can solve all of those problems. Let me rescue you, woo you, charm your pants off (literally), love […]