I, Hypochondriac

It’s like Asimov’s I, Robot only less fun and the movie adaptation would star Michael Cera in drag as me instead of Will Smith as the lead guy. I’ve been exhausted lately. Not post-blood clots nap time exhausted, but so tired that I actually have to lie down or I will pass out. The fatigue starts behind […]

#TrumpedThursdays

Since Donald Trump is still in the running–is still considered to be a “viable” candidate–I have decided to take it upon myself to create a weekly segment in which I tear him up like the piece of beef jerky that he is. On this week’s segment of #TrumpedThursdays, we’re going to talk about how dumb […]

You’re A Writer, Aren’t You?

I have tried to sit down to write this post like a zillion times and then my Anxiety Voice kicks in and gives me the sweats. Like this: Hey, Whitney. No one reads your blog anymore. Literally, no one. You’ve fallen from your position as a recommended humor writer and everyone thinks you suck because […]

We Need to Talk About Bowling

This is less a story about bowling and more of a story about failure. The kind of failure that happens even when there are a zillion safeguards in place to make sure you can’t fail. When you fail when literally everything is built to make you succeed. It’s these kind of stories that turn boys […]

A Quarter Century in Review, Part 2

The top 5 things I’ve learned in my 25 years on this planet. Man, that’s a challenge. I hope you guys don’t expect me to be like super duper profound right now because all I can think about is how I need to go grocery shopping since literally the only thing I have left to […]

25: A Quarter Century In Review

I’ve been 25 for four whole weeks now, without once shaving off all my hair (just the half that’s already shaved, thank you), or buying a sports car, or–more realistically–buying out the local Whole Foods of all the chocolate and chocolate-related foodstuffs and eating them guiltily in a corner while Atreyu looks at me thinking, maybe […]

The Neverending Panic Attack Story

Things No One Tells Anxious People About Owning Their Own Home: Buying the home isn’t the expensive part. I mean, yes, it costs a lot of money and the down payment is scary and the mortgage is this looming paper mache monster (made out of bills, obvi) that looks like the sand dune at the […]

HEY GUYS I JUST LEARNED ABOUT THE INTERNET

[INSERT REALLY LONG POST ABOUT MY PROLONGED ABSENCE, FULL OF LOTS OF WITTY, SARCASTIC ONE-LINERS AND PICTURES OF PUPPIES HERE TO APPEASE ALL MY READERS THAT HAVE SO GRATEFULLY KEPT READING EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN HOLED UP IN MY CONDO MOVING IN AND ALSO WRITING 280 PAGES SO THAT I CAN HAVE MY MASTERS […]

Daily Conversations with Anxiety: Fucking Shrimp, Man.

My neuroses were showing today, and not in a oh-look-how-cute-and-eccentric-this-girl-is kind of way, but in a holy-fuck-put-her-in-a-padded-room sort of way. And you know why? Because all of the shrimp are out to get me. I just KNOW it. For lunch today, I had some leftover pasta that had shrimp in it. I know, I know. […]

The Problem of Urgency: Stories from #AWP15, Deuce

You’re all gonna hate me for the pun in the title of this piece, but just deal with it, okay? I got my writing done by the time I said I would. In fact, the reason I haven’t posted part two yet is because I’ve been having SO much fun writing my thesis that by […]