On the Second Day of Whitsmas

My true love gave to me: panic attacks on I-80. (Holy shit, that rhymes!) I enjoyed my brief stay in Cleveland. I always do. Cleveland, to me, is a home away from home away from home. I feel so comfortable in Shaker Heights that I almost didn’t want to leave. But then I remembered […]

On the First Day of Whitsmas: Travel Time

My true love didn’t give me squat. Atreyu gave me a big ol’ kiss on the nose, though. I think he found a booger, because he was very satisfied. In a few hours, I will embark upon the 32-hour drive back to the Mile High City. I can’t tell you how excited I am. Before […]

When I have a Panic Attack

The anxiety voice in my head wins. You know, that dick voice that tells me I have knee herpes? I start to believe it (not about knee herpes, though. Those have cleared up.) The first thing I do is start to hyperventilate. Then I try breathing exercises to calm myself down, and picture myself lounging […]

Over-dosed and Crippled by Alzheimer’s (Daily Conversations with Anxiety)

Every morning I stand and look at the drawer that holds my pills. Did I take these yet? Yes. Are you sure? No. So, I should take them again? Well… If you accidentally double your dose, you’ll probably die. I take SERTRALINE. Not, like, Vicodin or something. Yeah, but you’re super sensitive to medication. You’ll […]

When I Open My Eyes (Daily Conversations With Anxiety)

The ghost that haunts your house will be standing at the foot of your bed again, watching you sleep. No, she won’t. Also… I’m going to pretend there’s no ghost here, thanks. No, seriously. Open your eyes. She is STARING RIGHT AT YOU. Oh my god, is she licking her lips? Whitney, you’ve got to […]

Daily Conversations with Anxiety: Insecurity

What if he doesn’t like you? Anxiety, he flew 1900 miles to spend the weekend with me. He’s one of my best friends. Yeah, but what if he’s just using you? He’s just using you. You know that, right? Nobody ever really likes you. You are really annoying sometimes, brain. HE FLEW TO SEE ME! […]

Daily Conversations With Anxiety: You’re Grossing Everyone Out

Mhmm, that’s right, uh-huh, oh NO. Fix yourself girl, you’ve got a cameltoe! The lyrics to the song get stuck in my head whenever I’m at the gym. Which is all the time, because, really, why not? I like exercise and it likes me. Except, of course for my clothing. I wear these: And I […]

Daily Conversations With Anxiety: I (Probably Don’t) Have Herpes

Is it possible to get Herpes on your leg? Like, on your knee? It could be bug bites. Or razor burn, I guess. But I’m about 90% sure that it’s Herpes.I would get Herpes on my knee. I’m just that lucky. Google tells me, probably not. But Google also tells me that it could be […]

Daily Conversations With Anxiety: I Killed My Dog

Atreyu ran back and forth from my roommate to myself, whining. He jumped up on the teal leather couch beside me, only to jump off and skitter onto the couch where my roommate was typing. He tried to climb into her lap. “He’s needy tonight,” I said. “I wonder what’s got him all riled up.” […]

Night Terrors

The electricity bill at my house growing up must have been quite a lot, because I rarely slept with the lights off. Lights out meant my dolls would come alive and plot my demise with my beanie babies. Lights out meant that the ghost in my bathtub would wander free. Lights out meant that the […]