Daily Conversations With Anxiety: You’re Grossing Everyone Out

Mhmm, that’s right, uh-huh, oh NO. Fix yourself girl, you’ve got a cameltoe!

The lyrics to the song get stuck in my head whenever I’m at the gym. Which is all the time, because, really, why not? I like exercise and it likes me. Except, of course for my clothing.

I wear these:

Because I'm that asshole.
Because I’m that asshole.

And I love them. They make me feel good about myself. They’re also SO comfortable, it’s disgusting. Like, I actually wish it were a) socially acceptable and b) not completely egotistical to wear them all day every day. I own them in five colors. The color above, orange, black, hot pink, and blue. I want all of the colors. ALL OF THEM.


But Whitney, when you do squats (and you do a lot of squats), your crotch gets hungry and eats your pants, and everybody can see it.
Oh, Anxiety, knock it off.
No, seriously, it’s bad. It’s all I can look at. Every body must be looking at it, too. It’s insane. Pull it out. PULL IT OUT.
Seriously? I think people are probably looking more at the fact that I’m squatting with 55lbs on my shoulders.
Nope. They’re definitely looking at the cameltoe. How can you not look at it? It’s staring at me…
No, no. My shirt covers my crotch. Plus, now I’m doing squats with 20 lbs on a Bosu Ball. People are impressed with my balance.
You’re wrong. People are impressed by how deep your frontal wedgie is. I mean, seriously, that thing is out of control.
Fine. I’ll fix it. Happy now?
No. It will just come back in a second. Why do you wear those shorts? You shouldn’t wear them. You shouldn’t be here. You don’t belong. That guy can do pull-ups. You can’t do those. Hell, you can barely do twenty push-ups. And you’re wearing the makeup you put on this morning. You’re that girl, aren’t you? The one that gets dressed up just to go to the gym? Everyone looks at you and sees that you have make up on. They see your coordinated nike outfit and know that you’re just here scoping. They know because you’re wearing 2.5″ shorts that give you the worst cameltoe in the history of the world. You’re disgusting. Everybody thinks so.
Fuck you, Anxiety. Everyone always says hi to me and we all crack jokes and talk about fun things and each others’ families. So THEY DO LIKE ME. And I just ran 3 miles, did 90 squats with 50 lbs, did 40 dumbell bench presses with 20 lbs per arm, 30 olympic cleans with 45 lbs, and 90 kettle bell swings with 25 lbs. I’m serious business.
Yeah, but no one knows that. All they know is that your shorts are riding all the way up into your throat.
God dammit.

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