When I Open My Eyes (Daily Conversations With Anxiety)

The ghost that haunts your house will be standing at the foot of your bed again, watching you sleep.
No, she won’t. Also… I’m going to pretend there’s no ghost here, thanks.
No, seriously. Open your eyes. She is STARING RIGHT AT YOU. Oh my god, is she licking her lips? Whitney, you’ve got to see this.
No, no. No. If I open my eyes and see her, that’s exactly what she wants. I won’t give her that satisfaction, that nosy bitch.
Fine. Do you hear that whooshing sound?
You mean the wind outside?
Yeah. It’s getting worse. It’s getting louder. A tree is going to crash through the roof and kill you.
No, no. That won’t happen.
Yeah it will. Either that, or it will smash all of your books. But you’re probably going to die. And Atreyu will eat you because he hates you.
My dog does NOT hate me!
Think about it. Sometimes he sleeps with his butt by your head just so he can fart by your face.
I think that’s probably a sign of affection.
Probably not. But it doesn’t matter. You’re either going to die at the hands of an angry ghost tonight, freeze to death in your sleep, or be squashed by a tree. Sleep tight, Whit.
God dammit. I guess I’ll just clamp up into the fetal position with my eyes glued shut and hope to make it to morning.

 

Good luck with that. I’ll be telling you how much you suck all night.

 

Donnie Darko - Frank The Bunny

I shall hereby refer to my Anxiety Monster as Frank… Lee. As in, Frank Lee, you’re being kind of a douchebag.

 

PS-friends! I am officially nominated for the WEGO Health Hilarious Health Activist Award. Please take two seconds out of your busy days of medicating your anxiety into submission with chocolate to endorse me by going here and clicking the endorse button. Thanks!

20 Comments

I’m several beers into my Tuesday night, so hopefully this non filtered comment doesn’t come across too creepy, but you and your anxiety are cute together. I hope you break up someday, I do, but you wear it well. Make that sound like a compliment in your brain, please.

Just endorsed you! And on a side note, after I saw The Conjuring, I thought someone was pulling at my feet in bed for three months. And now that I’ve said this now, I’ll probably think that for another 3 months.

My dog engages in similar shenanigans, also including leaving his “scent” and bitey things on my pillow. But I don’t think there’s any hate. The only thing he really hates is the garbage truck.

Every week they try to attack our house and take our stuff. Luckily, through an intensive barrage of barks, the garbage truck always drives away in terror after only a couple minutes.

Great post. In fact this happens to me a lot too but instead of a witch it’s a scary Asian person who can contort and fold up really small to fit in between a pile of clothes in the corner of my room. I haven’t given her a name…maybe that’s why she’s so angry looking? Or maybe just not as good a contortionist as I think she is? I guess we’ll never know. Mostly cause I’m too scared to ask. Keep up the good work.

Or I could just name her ‘Sushi’ seeing as I also have an irrational fear of raw fish. But one thing you don’t want to do with a spectre in your room is get into a race war. So I think I’ll just call her ‘Yoko Oh-no’.

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