Daily Conversations With Anxiety: I (Probably Don’t) Have Herpes

Is it possible to get Herpes on your leg? Like, on your knee? It could be bug bites. Or razor burn, I guess. But I’m about 90% sure that it’s Herpes.I would get Herpes on my knee. I’m just that lucky.

Google tells me, probably not.

But Google also tells me that it could be Herpes Gladiatorum which is mostly common amongst wrestlers. That sounds like the kind of Herpes Russel Crowe would get. I think that’s probably what I have.

English: 2 wrestlers in action Deutsch: 2 Ring...

I’m pretty sure this is exactly how everyone gets herpes.

The only cure will be to get my leg amputated. I will lose my leg at my knee, and then get a prosthetic one like my brother, and we can join the special olympics as a brother-sister team in… ping pong! Because that’s the only sport we are both good at. Shit, amputation is going to be expensive. How am I going to explain that to my parents?

Well, mom, step dad… I had a severe case of Knee Herpes and I think the only way to deal with it is to cut it off. I couldn’t afford that surgery, so I drank some whiskey until I blacked out and had my roommate saw off my leg. She fed it to Atreyu, and now he and I are bonded closer than ever. Also, I’m the first case of Knee Herpes in the United States, and I will be quarantined forever and also probably executed. It’s been real.

But if those red bumps that itch and get blistery aren’t Knee Herpes, what the hell are they? Do I have scabies? How did I get scabies? Are they chigger bites? If so, can I call them something else because “chigger” sounds racist and even as a mulatta girl I am not comfortable with saying a word that rhymes with a derogatory word? Are they ingrown hairs, because I’ve picked at them and no hairs have come out? Are they just scabs because my dermatillomania has caused me to pick at my skin until this condition created itself? WHEN WILL THIS END? MY LEGS NEED TO LOOK GOOD.

I return to Google: How to treat Knee Herpes. Google raises its eyebrows at me.

I’m totally fucked.

25 Comments

Chigger is their word, Whit. You know Whit is only one letter away from White? (I’m sorry. I’m being obnoxious, because you totally called out my matching phobia of saying anything close to hate words).

I used to work reception at a hotel, and we were supposed to greet guests with their last name by reading it off their credit card. This man comes in, and his credit card says ******* Fagot. And I’m like, “…welcome to the hotel, Mr. Fay-go.” And he’s like, “Yeah, it’s pronounced faggot. It’s OK, you can say it.” Simply awful.

Well they won’t let you into NZ with herpes knee. You will have to do what the All Blacks do (they get it from too much rucking) – cover it up with lots of those long big white bandages, wrapped around and around, and claim it is just a sprain of some sort. See you soon.

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