The Haze has Lifted!

I woke up a few days ago, and for the first time in months, I wanted to write. I was desperate to write. I was like Lindsay Lohan in a jewelry store: I couldn’t help myself. I just had to do it. It was all I could think about. (Except for the fact that […]

Depression

I’m not going to offer an explanation as to why I haven’t written anything in a month; no, I’m going to tell you a story. My depression starts at the back of my esophagus. It begins as a small hole, only noticeable at three in the morning when I trace shapes with my eyes on […]

Travel Tip #1: Haikus

Batman fights crime and I fight bad attitudes and together we win Delta Airlines is limbo for world travelers and eats people’s souls Delta Airlines should be called Delta Disasters: Fuck Your Travel Plans gingerbread cookies can only soothe a troubled mind to an extent AND COMING SOON: Travel Diaries #2: Amsterdamnit, part one! […]

Travel Tip #1: Don’t Be A Buttface

As I sat in the airport at midnight during the fourth hour of our delay, I learned the first rule of travel: don’t be a bitch. No, seriously. Don’t be one. No entity cares about your travel plans. Not God, or Jesus, or that chocolate cake beckoning you from the corner over there. So when […]

Look what I got you!

I went to Brugge and decided to get each of my followers a present. Boy, do they melt in your mouth.

European Adventures

Hello, beautiful readers! It is I, Whitney, your blog overlord/best friend/unicorn enthusiast. Today, I leave for Europe. Hold the screams and the tears. This doesn’t mean I’m going to completely stop blogging (although it may seem like I have). In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I will be writing.A lot. Well, maybe not a lot. […]

The Big College Send-Off: Haikus (And Another Frat Digression)

Batman Underwear couldn’t make the fountain run any less lonely The Fratties came out to play in the fountains and give people herpes The Finger Fountain sums up my feelings about fraternity boys. The fountains were cleaned the sorostitutes came out of hiding to play All I wanted from my school was a memory that […]

The Big College Send-Off

Hello, beautiful readers! I am back in Colorado after a sixteen hour car drive through California, Nevada, Arizona, and Utah. It’s good to be home, and it’s good to be writing again. It’s Tuesday, which means it’s Haiku day… but I didn’t post anything yesterday. Which means–hold on to your butts–TWO posts today! Holy cowabunga, […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Plato

Plato: Hey, United States… … Wait… you have a Democratic Republic? Never mind. You’re doing it right. Though, to be fair, you all are still far too concerned with your lust of goods and not of knowledge; you still fight wars you don’t know how to win that are pointless anyway; you keep electing exceedingly […]

Bromidrosiphobia: Haikus

Went to college, learned “Bromidrosiphobia” is the fear of frats. Body odor is the only excuse for guys to dress like douchebags Pit stains are the root of all evil the world look at uniforms Birth control is great for making you pretty and for making you dead