Fourth of Ju-Lame


I’m not about to get all Debbie Downer on you, but I have some problems with the 4th of July.

Mainly, it tends to inspire blind patriotism. Lots of shouts of “‘MERICA!” and copious amounts of burnt cow and pig and probably too much booze. Definitely too much booze. I even had a booze or two.

But I’m also always constantly aware that the 4th of July is less the celebration of what this country was founded on and more a celebration of propaganda and lots of american flag bikinis.

Wait… what am I complaining about, again? I forgot.


The thing is, there’s a whole lot of shit going down in this country. First of all, women apparently have less rights than giant buildings that don’t have feelings. That kind of sucks, because, like, Hobby Lobby used to be a cool place to buy tiny shit for a doll house, and now it’s a place to take a tiny shit in the corner and yell, “FUCK YOU AND YOUR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM, BUILDING!!” and run away cackling into darkness.

These faces have never been impartial their entire lives.

Having studied the Supreme Court, what I can say is this: Anyone who has ever thought that their motives in deciding cases is anything other than political is completely wrong. Judicial philosophy tends to align “suspiciously” with political philosophy. A strict originalist (Thomas, Scalia, and, sadly, Roberts and Alito) tends to be, gasp… Conservative. They see the constitution and think, “Yeah, they wrote this 200-and-some-odd years ago and it was never, ever supposed to evolve with the times because men who wore wigs and tights and owned black people as minions should be taken 100% at their word at all times, because, you know, change is hard and stuff.”

On the other hand, liberals tend to see the Constitution as a living document, one that must necessarily evolve to fit the times where I can do something like #thesupremecourtisfullofbuttmonkeysminusthegoodonesandsometimesjusticekennedy and act accordingly. They tend to be judicial activists (think, striking down anti-gay marriage laws as unconstitutional), effectively legislating from the bench. Sometimes. Not all the time. Sometimes, liberals think the Constitution is actually alive and that just brings up a whole new set of problems, like, who is going to write that movie? (It  would be a hot chick, for sure, known as “Connie” and kidnapped by some bad guys. Then she’d kick ass and make out with a Kennedy or something.)

And, also, we have to remember that these so-called “impartial judges” of the “highest court of the land” are also human beings susceptible to things like money and chocolate. In the case of Scalia, probably too much chocolate.

Secondly, thanks to a certain President who shall remain nameless,

This guy. I’m talking about this guy.

there is this country that we invaded for “weapons of mass destruction” that is now falling apart at the seams, and the world is looking to us to do something, and we don’t really want to do anything. But, see, it’s almost like we’re obligated to since a certain someone went in without a real set plan and no understanding of how to fight guerrilla warfare. A certain President kind of left things fucked up in the region, and a certain new President did his best to get us out of there and now the whole thing has blown up in the New President’s face because the Old President handled things like a teenager left alone with his parents’ credit cards and a giant, empty house. The New President came into that house and was all, “what the fuck am I supposed to do with all this shit?” and tried to clean things up but there is some sticky shit on the ceiling that keeps falling down and hitting him in the face.

That was a helluva metaphor.

On top of those things, there’s the struggle for gay rights still. (Why is that still a thing? Like, why does anyone still have to talk about it ever? I mean, seriously. Let’s find something new to be bigots about. How about let’s be bigots about bigots, or something.) Trans rights, which, also, doesn’t need to be a thing discussed–PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE, Jesus. There’s the debt. There’s the fact that we’re the fattest country in the world and we’re more content to be ginormous than to take care of ourselves. All of the BEES ARE DYING, which is bad for us who don’t eat just fast food and potato chips. The immigration debacles and the tens of thousands of kids from Latin and South America finding their way into the States all by themselves. There’s that whole bit about how we’re all poisoning the Earth and we should really just man up and switch to Solar but our politicians have been handcuffed and taking it from Big Oil for so long they don’t remember where the keys are and Big Oil is a needy skankbucket.

Then there’s the basics that everyone seems to be content on letting go: poverty, the wage gap, the fact that minimum wage is a fucking joke, student loan debt, sexual violence, gun violence (SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ON THIS ONE, THOUGH), how our “drug war” is really just a stupid waste of money, and all that other stuff.


I mean, I don’t mean to wax philosophic or anything, but this country has a lot of people gagged and bound in its basement that it’s content to ignore for as long as possible.

I also want to make a point that I’m not blaming any one political party for the woes of this country. It’s all of our faults, because we don’t take action and we’re content letting people who get paid too much money  not take any action and basically give each other wedgies all day and repeating schoolyard taunts. The whole system is gridlocked because we’re a bunch of spoiled goobers who don’t understand that people think differently than other people.

However, this is a country where I can say shit like this and not have to worry about disappearing. Which, I have to say, is pretty neat.

I was thinking about all of these things while watching three firework displays with my friends, when something happened to put all of this in perspective.


Goddamn this is a beautiful country.

42 thoughts on “Fourth of Ju-Lame

  1. You have the most wonderful vocabulary! That potty-mouth just makes your post that much more entertaining! I love that we live in a country where we can express all of our grievances about its bullshit.

      1. That would be you’re … And I hope you’ve seen Freaks or I’m probably not making any sense. Probably not making any anyway but I have belonging issues too

  2. As Evelyn Hall once wrote, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

    Happy Fourth, however you choose to celebrate!

    1. This is an amazing comment for all of the right reasons. I respect the snot out of you, sir.

      I celebrated with s’mores and euchre. I think I’m an 80 year old man. I hope you had a wonderful weekend as well, friend!

      1. I ate hamburgers and cupcakes while reading One Hundred a Years of Solitude. I avoided the fireworks.

        Glad you enjoyed yourself!

  3. Even those who eat fast food and potato chips should be concerned about bees, because without bees there won’t be fast food either, and in a few years we’ll probably start invading countries to steal their bees.

  4. This one brought an actual tear to me eye! That or it was salt from the potato chip bag I just upended into my mouth, but either way, well said.

  5. Excellent piece of ranting, I must say! Quite colorful, too. You competed with the colorful fireworks. I’m in agreement with it all. BTW, I think maybe we should take up a collection for several thousand rolls of toilet tissue and send it to the White House. The major inhabitant might need some replenishment. Poor guy!

    1. I dropped a lot of f and s bombs in this post… And as soon as I published it I went back to sleep. So maybe I should be more awake before I write posts in the future, so I don’t swear as much? HA, yeah right.

      Thank you, friend!

  6. Congratulations for making me disagree but spend more energy on laughing than on being annoyed. That was great. (Given your PoliSci degree, I was wondering when you would get political.) (And I think I agree more than I disagree, but I won’t get into that.)

    1. YOU WIN THE INTERNETS. I would like to shake your hand.

      I’d much rather make you laugh at my obnoxiousness than actually think about my politics. My politics are irrelevant. My obnoxiousness isn’t. Ha!

  7. Fourth of July celebrations sounds a lot like our Australia Day celebrations, just change the American flag bikini to an Australian flag bikini.
    I really liked this, a lot of the problem you talk about are the same we have
    The bee thing really freaks me out to. Bee colony collapse should be some International priority where every country co-operates to sort it, instead I would have barely heard of it if it wasn’t for a few groups I follow on Facebook.

      1. In India, that would generate a “Do you want to do my frandship?”
        But seeing as we’re already halfway there I won’t ask 😉

  8. Luv this! One more thing to add – the former Vice President who shall remain nameless who was basically Emperor Palpatin to the Prez’s Vader was recently on te news talking about the new prez is messing up all the work they did in Iraq. Really.

  9. I told a Canadian friend of mine that I would be celebrating cutting ties with Britain, but not the whole “land of the free” thing because I’m a woman, so not technically free.

    1. Sighhhhhhhh. I find it so ridiculous how invested in uteri men are. Is it because they don’t have them? Is that why they’re trying to control what goes on in there? Maybe we should start trying to legislate what goes on inside testes. Just an idea.

      1. If we stop voting men into power, then, yes, it’ll be our turn to legislate their franks and beans.

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