A Profound, Terrible Thought

I was eating dinner last night, much like I do every night.

It was especially delicious, and I was very proud of myself and savoured each bite.

Then I looked at the last bite of my meal, and I thought,

Well, I’ll be damned if I don’t make the best damn sandwich ever.

And then the feminist in me exploded.

To be fair, the ingredients too were top notch. I used some of Dave’s Killer Bread, which is a company that employs a lot of ex-cons which is awesome because they’re people too, despite what Republicans want me to think, and also their bread is delicious and everyone knows girls like bread as much if not more than girls like chocolate or wine or whine.

Legit only nutella toast is missing from this picture and it would encapsulate what my grad school nights looked like. Except I was usually smiling and also watching Friends with my roommate. Or crying about being single, also with my roommate. Ah, the good old days.

And then there was some Trader Joe’s hot pepper jelly. Which basically is the kinkiest kind of jelly you can buy that isn’t specifically designed for extra-intestinal usage…. Did I just make a KY joke? I think I did. Go me.

But then, some avocado, some cayenne pepper, some light cheddar cheese, and some sliced turkey. I toasted the bread because I like toast more than I like my actual self and it was the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.

I am destined for a life in the kitchen.*

THIS WILL BE ME. Minus the terrible posture. Plus more stains. Like, way more stains. BUT THEY ARE FOOD STAINS SO IT’S OKAY. You all are a bunch of perverts.

*Due to this sentence, in various locations across the state of Colorado, there have been reportings of laughter so raucous that many people’s bladders have burst. Upon further inspection, all of those people have turned out to know the author in some capacity. They all reported that it was “absolutely ridiculous” and that “the only thing Whitney is really good at making is dessert” and “oh, wait, never mind, she should totally stay in the kitchen.”