Dear Santa

Here is my Christmas list for the year. I know, I know. It’s very late. But you see, the magic of Christmas is that you don’t actually give a fuck what I write, but I can write it anyway and send it out into “the universe” and hopefully “the universe” will be like, “oh-hay, here’s that foreman grill you asked for.”

• Please, please get rid of Donald Trump. Just take him out of the running for President. I know how weird it is to ask a rich white man who has a market cornered and who dominates the media this time every year to get rid of another rich white man who has a market cornered (hair? obnoxiousness? narcissism?) who dominates the media. But I’m begging you. The way he is polarizing this country and letting the Racist Flag fly for Angry White People everywhere is too much to handle. Plus, have you seen his face? It’s kind of what I imagine Maz Katana’s doody-hole looks like.

You know, I was thinking about what else I might want for Christmas. Some things I may really need, like a full time job or a personal masseuse or a Tesla Model S or a harness for Atreyu so I can turn him into my own dog sled team or an invitation to meet the real Harry Potter or a first edition Lord of The Rings or my own private island. Some things I want, like a milk frother and some lamps for my room and a desk for the guest room and a little remora thing to cling to Atreyu and eat his loose fur (especially if it looks like a miniature Atreyu).

But the more I think about it, the more I really, really want Donald Trump to be relegated to the darkest corner of the Internet that he wants to “turn off” so that we never have to see him, ever again.

Thank you, Santa.