Look what I got you!

I went to Brugge and decided to get each of my followers a present. Boy, do they melt in your mouth.

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: The “Unsinkable” Molly Brown

Molly Brown: You mean to tell me if I had just waited 100 years, there wouldn’t have BEEN an iceberg to crash into on the trip over? And Kathy Bates played me? Really? Man, you guys suck.

The Big College Send-Off: Haikus (And Another Frat Digression)

Batman Underwear couldn’t make the fountain run any less lonely The Fratties came out to play in the fountains and give people herpes The Finger Fountain sums up my feelings about fraternity boys. The fountains were cleaned the sorostitutes came out of hiding to play All I wanted from my school was a memory that […]

The Big College Send-Off

Hello, beautiful readers! I am back in Colorado after a sixteen hour car drive through California, Nevada, Arizona, and Utah. It’s good to be home, and it’s good to be writing again. It’s Tuesday, which means it’s Haiku day… but I didn’t post anything yesterday. Which means–hold on to your butts–TWO posts today! Holy cowabunga, […]

30 Minutes of Madness: Making Dreams Come True

We all have goals and dreams and plans. For instance, twenty years from now I expect to be a best-selling author who has her own colony on the moon as well as a pet Jaguar who speaks English. They may not be lofty goals, but they are all mine. When was the last time you […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Plato

Plato: Hey, United States… … Wait… you have a Democratic Republic? Never mind. You’re doing it right. Though, to be fair, you all are still far too concerned with your lust of goods and not of knowledge; you still fight wars you don’t know how to win that are pointless anyway; you keep electing exceedingly […]

Bromidrosiphobia: Haikus

Went to college, learned “Bromidrosiphobia” is the fear of frats. Body odor is the only excuse for guys to dress like douchebags Pit stains are the root of all evil the world look at uniforms Birth control is great for making you pretty and for making you dead

Bromidrosiphobia

The name of this phobia couldn’t be more perfect if it tried. It brings to mind drunken, sweaty frat boys wearing tank-tops and baseball caps, drinking from red solo cups and belching indiscriminately. If that image doesn’t conjure up a sense of fear (or disgust) in your belly, congratulations, you don’t have a soul. Or […]

If Historical Figures Were Alive Today: Van Gogh and Gauguin

Van Gogh appears painting furiously as usual. Enter Gauguin. Gauguin: Vincent. Van Gogh ignores him. Gauguin: Vincent! Van Gogh continues, gliding his fingers on the surface of something, even more furiously. Gauguin: VINCENT, DAMNIT LISTEN TO ME! Van Gogh stops. He turns. Van Gogh: What, is that supposed to be funny? Gauguin: No, no–wait, I […]

The OkCupid Diaries, Part One

Misguided Attempts at Internet Humor and Just Plain Creepiness A week ago I was wallowing in insomnia when I decided to take some online personality tests–the perfect way to kill time and braincells while “learning” about myself. I headed over to OkCupid, a free internet “dating” site. Dating is in quotations because I feel that […]