Jesus Christ: Oy vey.
You fight wars in my name, put words in my mouth, and hypothesize on things I would or would not do. BITCH, YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE…. What you do know was documented by people who knew me. Not by myself. That’s like trusting Gossip Girl for your information about Serena. Gossip Girl may know Serena, but she isn’t Serena! God, that’s a great show.
Writer’s note: This is not entirely designed to offend any (or every) audience. I have great respect for Jesus. I have no respect for Gossip Girl. I am not affiliated with any organized religion, but I do believe that Jesus was a pretty awesome dude, rocking the long hair, beard, and birkenstocks two millennia before hipsters claimed them as their motifs. If you are offended… don’t read my other If Historical Figures Were Alive Today.