Ah, yes. It’s that time of year again. What time? You ask, your head tilted slightly to the side like the adorable puppy you are. Well, stinker, it’s that time of year when we all make resolutions to become a better person, and then proceed to take a massive dump on them about three weeks later.
In the spirit of the season, I’ve decided to write a list of ways to fail spectacularly at all of your resolutions, in the hopes that you will do the exact opposite of what I prescribe. Or at least, try them and then realize you’ve been doing them your whole life. Either way works for me.
Step Number One: Go Big Or Go Home
To begin failing at your resolution before you have even started, I suggest you make grandiose statements that are impossible to follow through on, because you’re a real person with a real life, and doing these things takes effort. Examples include: This year I will lose 10 pounds! (A classic, as witnessed by the hundreds of people who will be in the gym January, but magically disappear by February 1st, having given up and resigned that that bag of cheetos looks more in shape than they will ever be); This year I will pay my taxes EARLY! (Good luck on that one, sucker); This year, I am going to hike every 14-er in Colorado and become vegan and be nice to my parents and make some friends finally!; Or, my favorite, “This year I will fall in love.”
Those are HUGE, overarching resolutions that are going to be near impossible to maintain. So if you want to fail right away, I suggest resolving to do one of the above things.
My resolution that fits this category: I WILL WRITE MY BOOK THIS YEAR! STARTING RIGHT NOW.
Step Number Two: YOUUUU SHALL NOT EAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT.
This one is particularly important if you want to fail. Make a lofty goal, like “I will stop eating processed sugar.” Then, stop immediately. You will probably be eating chocolate chips in about thirty seconds flat. At least, that’s what I did. Our bodies aren’t programmed to give up things like that so easily. What will happen instead is, you will work out for the first time in six years, and then want to reward yourself. As a reward, you will have two chocolate chips. Then, you will feel so guilty about eating those chocolate chips that you will eat ALL OF THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS EVER, so as to mitigate your guilt. Our body totally pulls reverse psychology tricks on us, so definitely stop cold-turkey whatever bad food habit you’ve been nursing your whole life (mine, ironically, is eating cold turkey). That will ensure that you will be back in that habit before today is over. And that might be a record for breaking a resolution! That’s pretty awesome.
My Resolution That Fits This Category: I hereby pledge to only eat food that is the color Jade. This will ensure that I’m healthy, and that my body will be rock solid. Oh, hells yes.
Step Number 3: Making Friends and Influencing People
A great resolution to break almost immediately has to do with other people. We all know those resolutions: This year, I will make more friends. This year, I will make any friends. This year, I will get that restraining order lifted. This year, Emma Stone will finally notice me and then decide she is wildly bisexual and seek me out to go on a date (here’s hoping she googles herself).
We make these resolutions all the time. Which is awesome, because they’re super easy to break. You know why they’re super easy to break, little puppy friend?
Because they rely a lot on other people. You can’t make more friends if you’re an unquenchable douchebag (God, that phrase is so awful. I’m so sorry). You can’t get Emma Stone to go on a date with you if she doesn’t know who you are. These resolutions are so easy to break because they rely on the unreliable concept of other people’s willingness to deal with you.
Just kidding, that was harsh.
My Resolution That Fits This Category: GO ON A DATE WITH EMMA STONE!! Or just become great friends. Probably that one. BE GREAT FRIENDS WITH EMMA STONE!!!
All in all, the easiest way to break a resolution is to make it without acknowledging who you are as a human being. I will never be great friends with Emma Stone because I am an intolerable nit-whit who relies heavily on the internet for her social interactions. I will also never exclusively eat Jade green foods, because, fuck it–that’s too hard. I also won’t write my book this year, because it will take longer than a year to write and that’s way too broad.
The easiest way to follow a resolution is to focus it inward. You are the only person who controls your reactions, what you eat, who you hang out with, etc. You are the only person responsible for your health, mental well-being, laughter, emotions, food, and fashion sense. If you resolve to make more friends, you should probably resolve to stop overreacting and start controlling how you respond to people. If you resolve to lose two pounds this month, you should focus on projecting positive self-worth instead of saying what is wrong with you or what needs work. If you resolve to eat only jade green foods (God help you), you should invest in some quality food and quality food-dye.
What I’m saying is, you are in complete control. Don’t ever surrender to that little bastard voice inside of you that tells you you can’t. That’s not the real you. The real you is the one following this blog, laughing with me, and trying to hook me up with Emma Stone.
Happy New Year, friends.