The other night I made chili. Delicious decision, you say, with a bubble pipe hanging out of the corner of your mouth.
And indeed it was. The recipe called for roasted peppers, and I roasted those suckers over the open flame of my gas stove like I was born to do it; and maybe I was. The problem was – is, I should say – that I have the tendency to be a complete idiot. Thus, when the chilis were roasted and cooled, I scraped off the skin with my fingers because it was fun and I’m three years old.
Poblanos are not particularly spicy; however, they do pack a punch because of capsaicin. Everything was fine and dandy until I tried to go to bed that night, and my fingers began to burn.
Holy shit. The flesh is melting off my fingers. I’m going to have blisters everywhere. The tips of my fingers will have to be amputated and I’ll be left with a stubby paw of a hand that can no longer grip things like delicate boogers from my nostrils.
I went and examined my fingers in the light of the bathroom. Nothing. The flesh wasn’t peeling off my skin like the skin off the peppers; in fact, there were no outward signs that my fingers were burning with the Flame of Udûn (hello, fellow LOTR nerds!).
I washed my hands in warm water. OH MY GOD I AM DYING. I washed my hands in cold water and felt sweet, sweet relief, that lasted for probably ten seconds. I tried to man up and go to sleep with the tips of my fingers spouting flames like Selma Blair in the Hellboy movies.
I didn’t last long. So instead I googled solutions. Most places suggested washing with Olive Oil, but I am extremely lazy and did not feel like walking the thirty steps to the kitchen. I googled some more, until I found that, apparently, putting white toothpaste on the affected area will soak up the capsaicin. Yes, my toothpaste is WHITE! I fist-pumped in self-adulation and gleefully made toothpaste casts of each of my fingers.
I fell asleep with my hands in prayer, and dreamt about having stubby paws for hands.